1st Year Anniversary
A year after the album launch, I am remembering the why behind my album Your Story's Not Over. I was locked in an abusive miserable marriage for 9 1/2 years. I keep getting encouraged to tell my story because it can offer some help to someone in that situation. So, I am choosing to be as authentic as I can be, for the sake that maybe potentially this might save somebody's life.
The problem was I didn't realise I was in an abusive marriage until it was too late. After so many years of conditioning, I was a shell of myself by the time I came to the revelation of what was really going on.
Looking back, I did realise I knew something was wrong even if I didn't quite understand what it was. I know that we are not meant to look at other people's relationships and compare and contrast. But there seemed to be a clear difference between my marriage and other people's. For example, it felt like I was living with two different people. At the time I didn't realise that this was a red flag until things started to get worse. My ex-husband would be can be sweetness and light in the public, and demonic in behaviour in private.
The problem with emotional psychological abuse is the age-old question of how do you prove it. Especially when the person in question is known to others as an outstanding citizen.
I kept trying to get help, I tried many different avenues. Amongst other things I tried speaking to friends who were married themselves and of course many different counselling channels. The sad thing is nobody recognised that what was going on was emotional abuse. At the time I didn't have language for it myself I just knew something was very wrong.
When I wrote my song beautiful show years later, I wanted to give language to how I felt navigating that difficult situation. if you haven't heard this song, please click the link below and have a listen to it. https://open.spotify.com/album/0nrm2pLWy8cT6ciIbvLskK
This leads me to my first point of this blog is that if you suspect something is really wrong and it keeps nagging at you like the red warning light in the car, keep searching for someone to speak to until you find the right person.
Truth be told I spoke to many different people but they were clearly not the right ones. I was advised in many circumstances to stay in the marriage even though it was abusive. The problem with that is that if the spouse doesn't want to change their behaviour, then you are condemning the other person to a life of misery, which could be fatal in the end.
I had wanted to take my life so many times. In my last attempt, I thankfully failed. In the end, I finally found my help from a church in Redding CA. For the first time in our counselling sessions, real truth and sound advice were provided. The truth of what the issue really was, finally came to light.
Surprisingly at the time, faced with the choice to change his behaviour my ex-husband still chose not to change. I then had the choice to decide whether I wanted to live in an abusive marriage or leave. In my conversation with my ex, he fully admitted that he had been abusing me because he wanted to force me out of the marriage rather than him ending it himself. This is why it's so important to find the right people to confide in. If I had listened to the advice to stay, I highly doubt that I would be here right now writing this blog.
My advice is simple today for those who are struggling in the marriage, if there is a neon warning light flashing that you can't ignore any longer, please get help. Yes, it can be an annoying process to search out the right help, but when you find the right person or people to confide in it really is worth the effort and in the long term the advice that you will receive will be so much healthier for you.
More from me soon.
